All I wanted to do was crawl into my bed in Gwangju with popcorn on my right, chocolate on my left, and 50 dogs around me (and if you’re wondering why you should go read about that in Part 1 of this horrendous adventure). But of course, that’s only what “dreams are made of” – please tell me you get the reference or you can “just get out. Right now. Cause it’s the end of you and me”.
OK, OK. I’ll stop now.
But anyways, if you’ve ever wanted to be stranded in a foreign country here are 10 simple steps to do so! Perfectly laid out for you and as easy as making a hearty and nutritious Lean Cuisine meal.
Step 1: Get your friend to buy the tickets because somehow your Korean card doesn’t work online anymore. Even though you used the card to buy the ticket to get to Thailand. And of course don’t check the dates to make sure they’re correct until four hours before your flight. In the bathroom. While peeing. Forget your need to pee, run up the stairs, shorts unbuttoned, hitting your head in the process like a chicken with its head cutoff.\
I want some doggos.
Step 2: Try to cancel online, only to find out that cancellations can’t be done if the flight is in 36 hours. Check your flight time and date again only to realize the flight you booked is in two days so you SHOULD be able to cancel it. But you can’t. Because life.
I want some pizza.
Step 3: Call the booking company and wait on hold for at least 45 min. Find out from the douchey rep that cancelling over the phone is “impossible”. You have to do it online. Um sir… FIRST of all nothing is impossible. Second of all, I’VE ALREADY TRIED ONLINE. Do you really think I want to interact with you? No. I don’t. Not even in my worst nightmare. Not even if Beelzebub himself orders me to. I’m literally talking to you because I have to.
Can I get a bucket of Jagerbomb here please?
Step 4: Decide to go to the airport and figure it out there. So, chuck all your belongings into your teensy weensy ant sized bag. And I mean literally just chuck ’em. Just toss ’em in there. Doesn’t matter if things get squashed like a bug. Nope. Just dump ’em in there and zip up that bag. Doesn’t matter if one of the zippers is gone. Like your nail-is-the-zipper-hook level bad.
Someone up there help. Please.
Step 5: Have the hostel owner ask you about the payment as you’re trying to gather the mess in your brain. Realize you have to find an ATM to take out cash from, because surprise, you suddenly have no cash in your wallet since you SPENT IT ALL. So then, your friend has to go get cash.
And by friend, obviously I mean Morgan. Did you think there were more people? HA. Fat joke and a half right there. Someone else travel with Morgan the Dude Child and Prachi the Supreme Stainer?? We’re more likely to get be in a committed relationship before that happens. *induce shuddering*
Step 6: Continue trying to change your flight, buy a new flight, make world peace, save all the orphaned children, and stop global warming. But also insert an incessantly annoying hostel employee that won’t stop flirting or talking while you’re trying to input credit card information on a smashed, ratchet looking phone screen. SIR. I just want to go home. I don’t want to teach you any English. I’m here on a vacation because I’m an English teacher and I don’t want to teach anyone English.
I just want some dosa.
Step 7: Finally get into your expensive 500 baht ($15 USD) taxi and make your way to the airport. Halfway there realize you should do a last minute check to see if you have your passports, credit cards, and sanity. After you’re already in transit of course. And guess what? Commence a freak out because you can’t find them. And as a fair warning, it’ll probably go something like this.
Prachi (rummaging through the bag): Hey, do you know where the cards are? I can’t find them in here. Uhm… Morgan… WHERE ARE THE CARDS?! I can’t even find the passports. We put everything in this bag right?! Oh my god, we need the passports. We have no money.
Morgan (staring like a deer caught in headlights): Did you check the wallet…?
Prachi: Of course I checked the wallet! They’re not in my wallet! You don’t think that was the first place I checked you numbnut?! Are they in your wallet?! Are they in the suitcase?! Did we leav… oh my god. They’re in the side pocket. They’re IN the side pocket.
Morgan (staring at me like I’m the dumbest shit): Are you serious…? -.-
I just want my mom.
Step 8: Arrive at the airport in one piece (barely) and run to three different desks that are ALL wrong. Get transferred by an imprisoned looking employee until you’re finally at the right desk. Get told it’s forty dollars to fly out today, the right day that is. Forty dollars. Forty. Dollars. Offer more money because you’re baffled it’s only forty dollars to change your ticket. Be willing to pay upwards of an NYC penthouse to get home.
I just want to mac and cheese.
Step 9: Get through immigration and security in one piece. Scavenge for food and settle down too far from your gate and terminal to charge your phones. Usain Bolt your way to the other side of the airport because you suddenly notice the “final boarding” sign on a screen while leisurely walking to your gate.
I just want good times (and no bad times).
Step 10: You make it. You finally make it. You’re in your seat. The plane is taking off. You’re so full of adrenaline you binge watch the entire season of The End of the Fucking World (sorry famjam). But of course, you still find the time to thank all one thousand million Gods out there that blessed this trip and drenched you in holy water and puja powers so you could get home in at least half a piece.
In all honesty though, thank you to everyone out there in the universe and Thailand that helped us get home on time. Except of course for that annoying hostel worker that was incessantly flirting with me while I was doing nothing short of planning the world’s biggest heist.
Has anything like this ever happened to any of you? Where you feel like all the gods are chucking lightning bolts of problems after problems? Let us know about any crazy stories in the comments below or email us at email@example.com ! I swear this could not have happened to just the two of us.
Peace out. Prachi out.